| I miss the days when I liked to have friends && I liked to go to the mall && I liked being social && actually having a life. Back then I posted real entries because there were things to write && now it seems all I do is sit here on this lonesome computer doing absolutally nothing. day after day.
I miss samantha I miss all the fun we used to && now she moved && we can't really ever try again ): no matter what it'll never be the same. All I have is the effing uber rad memories of the times. HoBo and HoHo man if I put them I'll end up crying ): ): not that I can even remember all the insiders we had there were so many everytime we were together. Those were the best days of my life. Once high school started I felt abandoned like she left me but that wasn't the case. People change and slowly slowly fall apart. It's life && the sad thing is it'll never change. I can't think oh the next best friend will be different we will be best friends forever she'll always be there. but no one knows that's what will happen so now all I have are memories && a major fear of people leaving me && being alone
I mostly just want to go back to the days when the only time I cried was when I fell off my bike. When we chased boys at the playground. When we had cootie shots && with those were all we needed to be safe && not get their germs. When we we thought the older kids were so much cooler && we wanted to be one of them && not knowing we were the lucky ones && we were having more fun then them. && they looked at us saying they missed those days.
I just want to curl in bed with blankies && my teddy bear maybe go back in time. or fastforward to better days
Samantha has a chance for a new begginning after moving. I'll never move I'll graduate with the same people I started with in kingergated but among them there will not be my best friend. She is starting a new chapter. The last chapter I ended was depression && cutting. But I don't think this next one will be too much better : /
COMMENT IF YOU WISH
(( decieded not to go to camp next week not that anyone cares )) |
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| I feel like posting today. I was reading other people's xangas and just
feel like sharing my story. This xanga is so much of my past (( which
is why I'm quitting )). It reminds me of cutting and the depression and
I don't need that anymore. I felt so lost and empty that I had turned
my back on God. I couldn't understand how he could let people committ
suicide and go through the depression that I was going through. I could
not comprehend how he would let me and others hurt themselves. But then
I started going to church with Shye and I talked to one of her youth
pastors and she answered my questions and just helped me move on from
the past, and I can't even explain how I feel now. I just have a whole
new outlook on life. I don't want to get caught up in the things I was
in before like: smoking, sex, self mutilation, and I had gotten high
and drunk before and I just don't need that anymore. Any of it. It's
not worth it. Smoking does nothing, sex was never worth it, all cutting
did was feed more hunger to the depression.I just don't need that.
None of the those things made me happy. They were just things to make
me feel accepted or fit in but I never actually did. With those things
I was just fake.
Now I don't care about fitting in, I don't need it I already feel
accepted by God and by our church. I don't want to be the girl that
people hate for talking about God and Jesus. But I want people to hear
my story and maybe be affected by it. I want people that have/go
through the same things I did to know that's not the answer and there
is help out there.
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| so this is going to be my last update for a while, but who honestly effing cares.
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| school is out. I've been playing Halo for like 5 hours straight the
past 3 nights and I still suck. now I know why I made fun of people who
play that game.
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